#fattpfabpver50 #pride #mistakes

Day 462 – An impending blizzard in the northeast got the best of me today. I hate giving up. But I’m getting mugged by reality. My business trip? Cancelled. Now I look at what I wrote yesterday and I regret it. Not the love stuff…just the, “I’m going come hell or high water” stuff.

Not giving up was a “matter of pride.” Which, I’ve learned, is a very low and negative energy. An impoverished motivator. A false promise. Imbued with bravado, self-delusion and sometimes…fuels self-aggrandizement.

So yeah. Pride is teaching me a few lessons. None of them flattering in the light of day. I wish I’d caught myself the other day when someone questioned if I had the skill to produce a video. A VID EE OH. I looked around the room for backup to save me but none came. I think our team was thinking “uh oh” when they saw the look on my face. In utter frustration and shocked disbelief, I think I fumbled around with an answer, suggested he Google me, then I actually described myself as “a big bat.” Ugh. If I could take those words back. The hubris was stupefying. That. From me. Who values humility more than almost any other quality in a person. Hypocritical when you consider I just let someone I love “have it” for failing to exhibit it.

That meeting made me feel like we were chasing pennies and I have worked too long and hard for that. I took it personally. The dark side of pride. That comment rattled my cage big time and my negative alter-ego (named “Patty”) took over, “Ohhhhnoooo you didn’t!”

When I use the word pride, as in, “taking pride in…(fill in the blank)” that simple twist of phrase conveys a much more positive, less self-absorbed tone. I’m wanna stick with that!

That is the part of pride that touches this self-transformational journey. Trying to reclaim my mo jo, and once again “take pride” in how I present myself. I need to keep that aspect front and center as a positive goal and value. 462 days into it, you’d think that would have stopped me from the above mentioned debacle…but you’d be mistaken.

Today? I struggled with the obstinate nature of pride. Not wanting to flex in the face of a blizzard. The thought of giving up stressed me out. And my food choices, while cooling my heals at the airport, suffered. #aworkinprogress

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